Such a Cliche



Jane Austen - Warhol style.


I've been thinking a lot about Jane Austen recently and am reminded of a common argument I have frequently amongst all my female friends, "Can we have it all?" 

A few months ago I went to hear Gloria Steinem speak.  This amazing woman who wrote countless essays, spoke and protested all throughout the 60s and 70s -- This woman who inspired me to become a feminist back in 1995 when I didn't even know what it really meant to be called the 'F-word'. 

My BFF quickly pointed out that it was Steinem who f-ed things up for women of our generation by saying, 'Yes, we CAN have it ALL.'.  I think at the time, women wanted to just have the option to have it all.  There's no way, Steinem or any other feminists during that time could have imagined our desire to have it all could quite possibly be the very thing that prevents us from having it all. 

Clearly, I've gone through a very dark period in my life by truly encompassing the biggest quarter-life crisis cliche -- Traveling AND graduate school.  At a time when all my friends were settling down, getting engaged, married, knocked up and pregnant -- I've decided this would be the perfect time to neglect my personal life for the next, oh, give or take, decade. 

My argument and belief is, women can have it all... Just not at the same time. 

I've been looking at a lot of stats and researching like hell for the past year.  I've demanded answers from every OM school I've visited, reading blogs; and no one can give me hard facts on why so many acupuncturists fail to make a proper living.

Not enough business classes.  Excluding the niche market.  Catering to the niche market.  Unable to apply for a business loan due to the incredulous amount of student debt. 

I haven't quite figured out what sort of practice I want.  Sure, I have my big avocado dream but that's when I'm retired and wise and the idea of living on an avocado farm with a bunch of goats seems like the only reasonable way of living.  Until then, I want to work and utilize the skills I've learned during the near decade of school when everyone's telling me I'm at my prime to pro-create. 

My brain wants to make a footprint in researching which is a huge reason why I chose OCOM.  The school has been funded by the National Institute of Health (NIH) multiple times for various research.  More specifically, I'm interested in Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and how OM can help in conjunction with cognitive language therapy.  I fantasize about the idea of totally geeking out by wearing lab coats, reading research papers and having arguments with other nerds.

My heart caters to athletes - Surfers, dancers, jocks - People who depend heavily on their body.  The main pro is that these people are highly educated on the anatomy and physiology of their body so I don't need to count to 10, breathe meditatively and explain in a calm manner why eating shit that "claims" they're healthy is not the same as eating real food - ahem, Fiber One, I'm talking to you.  These people are also more inclined to look for alternative methods to healing their body simply because they can't be zonked out and heavily medicated right before game night. 

And then there's my soul, which reminds me I have chosen a career that is deeply rooted in the notion of service.  Healing is serving.  How can I possibly serve people who are in great need when they can't afford it?  So far, the only legitimate answer I've come across is to treat in  a community setting at a sliding scale. 

Whichever road I choose, I have to realize it comes with an enormous amount of sacrifice if I want to be successful.  Ugh, another cliche.  <Insert stupid Rom-Com starring beautiful yet approachable actress and boyishly-good-looking, charming actor of the moment.>


Step-ford Robot Wives - The original.

 I could totally be wrong and maybe we can have it all and all at the same time.  However, I know, for me personally, I can't.  I can't give the same amount of energy to two different things with the same amount of passion, intensity and dedication.  I'm in awe of women who can.  I'm convinced these are the same women who have impeccable homes,happily married with well-behaved children, serve soup to the homeless, tan all-year-round, sexually satisfied and... Robots. 

I look at all my successful male friends now in their 30's.  Throughout their 20's, they worked long hours, hauled ass and made sure their career came before their personal relationships.  They loved what they were doing; and as I'm getting pretty stoked at the idea of becoming a doctor, I'm also becoming incredibly selfish.  Fiercely independent and selfish are two difficult qualities to endure. 

Probably not the best example considering the recent legal allegations (sexual not medical) but nonetheless, NFL acupuncturist, Lisa Ripi's story sounds like something I'm willing emulate, temporarily, if it means I get to do what I want and get paid.  Is this nuts?

"In 13 years of working with N.F.L. players, Ripi said proudly, she never missed an appointment. She did miss dozens of holidays, did have three marriages end in divorce, did make abundantly clear her first priority." - NY Times November 2010.

And yes, I do acknowledge the irony of my commitment and the belief of equilibrium in the medicine I plan on studying. 

Tall Glass of Haterade



What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage!



I was born in Kansas, so naturally, my all-time childhood film is "Wizard of Oz".  I've always found myself as the Scarecrow.  Friends would probably say I'm more like the Tin-Man.  But lately, I found myself identifying with the Lion. 

Not too long after being accepted to OCOM (holla!), I've been getting some hate from people I respect and wondering, 'Crap, is this a mistake?' 

I don't like to consider myself "flakey" but my professional resume may seem a bit... Off-beat?  Unique?  Requires a bit of explaining in the additional information box? 

I'm about to drop $200,000 on 6 years of education.  Swallowing my pride and succumbing to a life of a poor, struggling student at a time in my life when everyone's getting married and having kids.  For the first time, my irrational fear of monogamy could be quite beneficial.  There are loads of people who work the thrift bins, get funky haircuts from student hairstylists, live in super cool flats with furniture they've found dumpster diving -- But I've done that and I'm not really looking forward to going back. 



Delicioso! Lobster @ Morimoto, Philly.

I'm not bouge by any means and don't get it twisted, I much rather spend money on a trip to some dope island than some four-star hotel in Miami; however, I do love falling asleep on my a 600-thread Egyptian cotton bed sheets and spending $250 an orgasmic meal with a good friend is worth it.  These are just a couple of luxurious necessities I've already started missing in the last year. 

Although Oriental medicine, more specifically, acupuncture, has been supported by WHO, NIH and loads of other legit programs; it's still revered as a "last resort".  I just read an article today on the issue of health insurance coverage for CAM treatments.  Unlike conventional medical practitioners, finding a job after graduation requires a great deal of hustling.  I'm told most end up having to open their own practice which I imagine is incredibly difficult in terms of getting a loan when you have a mondo student debt. 

When I told my brother I was interested in going to school to study Oriental medicine, the consummate lawyer-to-be, suggested the idea of doing something related to CAM that wouldn't require me to spend all those years and money. 

To be honest, that thought didn't even cross my mind.  He's thinking logically and smart.  Dude just graduated from law school!  I have the terrible habit of thinking with my heart and soul; illogically and stoopid.  Although he may have his own minor health issues; he's never had his health ripped and taken away from him the way that I have with my own issues like depression, anorexia and addiction. 

Oriental medicine saved my life.  It sounds so freakin' dramatic but it's true.  It didn't just get me walking again -- It completely changed my way of thinking and living.  When I woke up, paralyzed from my waist down, all I wanted to do was to walk again.  It took me 2 years to realize the acupuncture and herbs that helped me were my catalyst to recognize all my health issues - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - were interrelated and if I wanted to avoid getting that ill again then I better get my shit together. 



Last-Minute Leap in SF.



I'm passionate about studying this medicine, so to me, it's something I have to do -- Jumping in, wholeheartedly.   

I'm still trying to figure out how I can make a living in a field that's dedicated to service while living in a society that is still resistant to it. 

I'm not a revolutionist.  I don't like to preach.  And I'm constantly working on my New York/Korean fiery temper. 

I know this medicine typically requires more than just one session.  It's not a Magic Pill - Take-One-and-Call-Me-in-the-Morning kinda thing.  I want to provide healing to everyone who needs it; yet at the same time, I need to know I'll be able to pay back my massive loans, make a comfortable living, take my friends out occasionally and  live, not dream, my life.

At the end of the day, all this hate got me thinking.  Moving to Portland, a city that is so forward-thinking, is going to blind me to the rest of the country.  Even living in NYC, the cosmopolitan city of the universe, I still get *pause* *weird stare* every time I mention I want to study Oriental medicine.  I need to constantly be thinking out of the box and work towards making this medicine more approachable but with a proper business mindset 'cause this sista likes to eat!



"I'd be King of the Forest." -- Lion.

More importantly, like the Lion, I need to tap into my Courage. 

Accept it, recognize it and plow forward. 

I'm reminded of this little saying that helps me tremendously any time I start feeling like a real scardy-cat:

"Force is always met with resistance.  Lean into the discomfort."

* On a side-note:  I've just been told I am one of the recipient of OCOM's Board of Trustees 2011 Scholarship Award.  It's not much but psychologically, it's a total high-five and gives me a boost of confidence.  Boo-yah!

The Sweaty Crack: Hot Yoga Part Deux



Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

 I headed back to Akasha Yoga studio in Vacaville for what I thought was going to be another intense yet relaxing hot hatha class.  To my surprise, within 10 minutes, I was panting and having a vivid flashback memory of my chubby thighs rubbing against each other while Paul Simon blasted during Mr. Chiesa's 5th grade gym class.

This wasn't Hot Hatha.  This was Power Yoga.

Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga (aka Power Yoga.  aka Turbo Yoga  aka Kick-Your-Ass Yoga) was apparently established in 1948 by Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, according my guru of viral info, Wikipedia.  It's a combination of Hatha (alignment of poses), Vinyasa (flowing sun salutations) and Ashtanga.  There are sets of poses but the main difference is this type of yoga is pretty much a cardio workout session; whereas other forms of yoga are more muscle-building and toning exercises.

What makes it cardio

1. There's a quick transition between each pose.
   

   

   Downward Dog.

2. Many of the poses involve various inversions. 

As my brother's girlfriend wisely stated, "Downward dog is your home-base."   Many positions involve a variation of downward dog and having your body in that sort of position requires your heart to pump harder.  Arms up in the air = Also requires your heart to pump harder.  That's why you never see marathon runners swinging their arms above their heads.  They keep it low because they're going for endurance.

Anyway, it took me a while to get into this yoga class because the beautifully tall, slender instructor (back tattoo and all) had that typical California-way of speaking in which everything sounds like a question.  I suddenly felt like I was in some crappy Rom-Com flick staring Katherine Heigle and I was playing the "sarcastic, jaded, single" BFF.  To top it all, did I mention, I didn't bring my yoga gear so I had to stop by Forever 21 and try to find the least offensive yet practical clothes?  Had no idea finding something that actually fits would be my greatest challenge.  I ended up purchasing biker shorts with lace (yeah, a la Madonna) and a hot neon-pink sports bra that could definitely pass for a training bra if it didn't have paddings that resembled perked nipples.  Here I note that these were not my first, second or third choices.  These ridiculous excuse of yoga-wear were the only things that fit.  I was so tempted to put my hair in a side-ponytail and sport some Reebok high-tops just to finish the look.

Side note: Forever 21 is just as it states -- No one above 21, especially 30-year olds with a booty, should be shopping there. 

I digress.  After about 30 minutes in Power Yoga, I got into it.  It got my heart pumping and was geared towards the side-saddles, hips, butt and thighs.  Overall, it was a great class but I think when it comes to Ashtanga Vinyasa, this is one type of yoga I think I would benefit more from in a "normal" temperature. 

Being in a 110 F degree room, flipping around and getting my cardio kick made me woozy and dizzy.  Clearly, being in a hot temperate room is going to make you sweat a helluva lot more but I think the cardio workout would be far more beneficial if you could push the cardio aspect of it in a regular room temperature.  The heat makes the cardio workouts limited because you can't push your body too far before blacking out.

That weekend, I also went back to Davis Bikram and was pleasantly surprised to find the bitchy receptionist greet us.  She was also the instructor for our class.  Joy!  Surprisingly, I could tolerate her teaching style more so than her reception skills. 

The class didn't start with a mellow energy.  A certain "someone" refused to adjust his mat for a new student and rather than quietly and verbally explaining why he was being a dick -- This certain "someone" just kept saying, "Seriously?" in a huffy-puffy manner.  There's something ridiculous about a grown-man in his 50's acting like an 11-year old spoiled brat. 

I've been thinking a lot about this weird energy/vibe in the Bikram studios I've entered.  I can't figure it out if it's the studios itself or if it's something to do with Bikram. 

Typically, when you walk into a yoga studio, the lights are dimmed; people are sitting still or meditating; incense is burning; and soft relaxing hippie-like music is playing in the background.  People are here to chill out. 

There's also an unwritten code: Don't be an asshole.  Be nice.  Be kind.  It ain't that deep.



Bikram studio practicing breathing.

Bikram studios are vastly different.  First, those ugly fluorescent light which I swear, affect human-beings the same way it affects caged animals in some third-tier broken-down zoo.  Second, everyone seems to be so concerned with other people rather than themselves.  You walk into the room and all eyes are you and it's not a 'hey there, friend' kinda stare... It's a 'you don't belong here, fatty' kinda glare.  Okay, that may be a bit extreme but it seriously feels like everyone's sizing you up. 

 Personally, I don't go to yoga or to the gym to stare at other people.  I could careless.  I don't even notice the people who can contort their bodies into pretzels.  Again, I could careless.  I'm here for me.   

I don't want to start a bitch-fest about Bikram so I'm going to do a quick Pros and Cons list because I'm anal like that:

PROS

1. 26 postures.  Once you get the hang of these postures, I do like the fact that they're always the same so there's a measurement of how you're progressing.
2. Spine.  Undeniably, Bikram is AMAZING for the back.  All these postures lengthens and thereby strengthens the spine.  I imagine this is fantastic for people with sciatica.
3. Endocrine System.  My favorite system that I know very little about.  The endocrine (hormones, lymph, nodes) is a body system for whatever reason Western medicine doesn't particularly pay a lot of attention.  It's not the sexy system.  Whereas the Central Nervous System is based on quick, rapid responses, the Endocrine System survives on slow (very slow) responses.  It naturally takes a lot longer to regain the balance in the endocrine system simply because of how it functions.




My current fav pose: Warrior 3


4. Meditative.  With the right mind-set I did find Bikram meditative in a vastly different way.  I find myself "letting things go" with other forms of yoga.  Bikram, on the other hand, I found my mind "quiet" simply by focusing on each posture and pushing my body further.  I was strangely, more present and in the moment in Bikram than in any other type of yoga.
5. Heat.  The intense heat is something I enjoy.  It eases my joints and there's something really satisfying about sweating buckets.  It's true what die-hard Bikramnites say: you sleep much better and you're less inclined to eat crappy food because you're not really craving it that day.

CONS

1. Hierarchy.  There seems to be a real hierarchy in the class between the students and between the instructor and the students.  The instructor rarely introduces him/herself and if he/she does, it's at the end.  As I get older, I find myself becoming far more uptight about social etiquette and goddammit, I want to know your name.
2. Posers.  In Bikram, the instructor rarely demonstrates the poses.  Hm, as I mentioned in my last post, there's something I don't like about this.  It sets the students apart from the teacher.  I went to one Bikram class where the teacher actually stood on a platform and wore Madonna headphones throughout the entire class.  I love the concept of teachers and students in our lives but it's really hard for me to take orders from someone when I have no idea what they're capable of doing.  It's total blind faith and being from NYC, I want proof.




Intention.


3. Intention.  Giving daily gratitude is something I've been practicing ever since I've come home from traveling.  Yoga gives me a set time to give gratitude and think about things I am truly grateful for having in my life.  In the Power Yoga class, the instructor asked us to take a moment to dedicate this practice to someone we love or someone we hate and who may need more yoga in their lives.  Hilarious!  I never thought of dedicating a practice to someone I couldn't stand.  To be honest, I never thought of dedicating a practice to someone I love.  Most of the times, I dedicate it to myself and the health I've regained in my life.  However, that day, I dedicated my practice to someone I love dearly, my BFF.  Giving the intention to someone other than myself made the whole practice more meaningful and I found myself capable of pushing my body beyond what I thought was my limit...  For my BFF.  I suppose this is a lot like praying.  Bikram doesn't ask for any intentions at the beginning of the class.  I'm not even sure if it's allowed. 
4. Rules.  There are so many damn rigid rules in Bikram.  Don't sit down!  Don't drink water!  Don't talk!  Don't open your fingers! 
5. Ambiance.  Those lights!  Grrr... Nearly every kitchen in NYC (well, in the crappy flats we all live in) have those damn fluorescent lights that sting my eyes.  I hate these lights with a passion.  I get it, in 110 F degree room, these lights are probably preventing more black-outs.  No music either.  I like a little Sade, Matisayu, Jill Scott during my practice.  I wonder though, if music was played in Bikram sessions what we would be listening to?  I feel like it'd be something rigid like the Russian national anthem.  Pass.  And what's wrong with a little incense before a new class? 

Overall, I'm down with hot yoga maybe not necessarily Bikram.  What's the point of all those Bikram rules if you can just practice Bikram-style yoga at an un-franchised yoga studio? 

3 is the magic number.  Like the time I tried durian (3 times to make up my mind, yup, this is the most vile thing I've ever tasted in my life), I feel as though I need to give Bikram at a proper Bikram studio one last chance.  However, I'm going to wait it out until I meet someone who raves about his Bikram teacher and drags me to toward the shockingly blinding fluorescent lights.